Is Perfectionism an Addiction?

by Guest Blogger, Dr. Lea Pearson

Is perfectionism an addiction? (long)

What I'm about to say may make some folks uncomfortable, but I think it's a useful approach.

(The following descriptions are paraphrased from multiple dictionary and therapy websites.)

Addiction is sometimes described a chronic condition that involves a strong physical or psychological habit-forming need to do something even if you know that it causes you harm.

Perfectionism is defined as the tendency to place extremely high — even impossible — demands on yourself and/or others. Common traits include fear of failure, self-criticism, obsessive thinking, reassurance-seeking, and unattainable goal-setting. It involves a relentless pursuit of personally demanding standards and basing your self-worth on this pursuit, which results in a huge cost to your well-being. We regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness. Some people hold others to these standards, leading them to expect impeccable work from everyone: "My piano teacher's perfectionism can be stressful. One wrong note and I have to start the whole piece over."

We often see perfectionism in people with a trauma history, as it can come from a desire to control things or avoid any potential negative consequences from mistakes.

I put it to you that for many musicians, perfectionism and addiction have a similar profile.

Many of us who have perfectionist tendencies feel a strong need to be correct, perfect, right, etc. Not only do we experience fear of judgment or criticism, but also shame at not being able to live up to our expectations.

Some folks are born with these tendencies, but many others learn them early in their music training. Traditional teaching places a high value on being correct. Lessons are correction-based, and accuracy is highly prized, often over self-expression.

This then turns into the need to be “right.” When we feel ourselves veering off course, we get anxious, our bodies get tense, and we <try harder> to be correct. Unfortunately, that usually makes us more tense and makes our objective harder to achieve.

If addiction is defined as a physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming behavior or activity, then we could easily become addicted to perfectionism. When we can't achieve it, we experience something like withdrawal - anxiety, fear, shutting down, stress/fear response of limited breathing, tense muscles, and general overall contraction. It’s often related to some form of performance anxiety.

Gabor Maté, a world expert on addiction, says this: (paraphrased)�Addiction is manifested in any behavior that a person craves, finds temporary relief in, but suffers negative consequences as a result of, and yet has difficulty giving up. This definition ...could encompass almost any human behavior.

When asked “What, in the short term, did it give you that you liked so much?” the answers are, universally: “It helped me escape emotional pain… deal with stress… gave me peace of mind… a sense of connection with others… and a sense of control.”

This is often what musicians crave – a sense of control, to make sure that everything comes out perfectly as they have been trained. Ironically, it is the act of trying to control the outcome that creates tension and ultimately anxiety and injury.

Says Maté: “All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile.” The source of pain is invariably to be found in a person’s lived experience, beginning with childhood.

"The same brain circuits are involved in all addictions. They employ the same neurological pathways and emotional patterns; the same brain systems involving pleasure and reward and incentive, the same neurochemicals, and the same emotional dynamics of shame and lack of self-worth.

'It is time to realize, then, that addiction is not a choice …but a psychological and physiological response to painful life experiences."

For many of us musicians, perfectionism is a psychological and physiological response to multiple sources of criticism and judgment: parents, teachers, peers, colleagues, etc. We are trained from early on to stake our worth on the opinions of others. Few teachers intentionally teach us to cultivate inner sources of guidance and evaluation. To pay attention to what we experience with our bodies. To be curious about our habits, about what works and what doesn't and why.

This is starting to change, but for most of the injured musicians I work with, a huge contributing factor is perfectionism and the need to be “correct.”

So, if we assume that both addiction and perfectionism are somatic experiences - meaning, they are a confluence of thoughts, feelings, experience, and physiology, what can we do to help ourselves and our students?

I’ll share a personal example from the field of addiction.

It took me most of my life to realize that I was addicted at all. I thought it was to food, but it turns out I'm addicted to eating. To the psychological relief and reward of putting food in my body. As you might imagine, the need is strongest when I'm under stress, especially when I relive negative childhood experiences.

Recently I moved and had to change cell phone service. For about 12 hours I was stuck in limbo, between two services. When I got up in the morning, I went to four separate cell phone stores - two Verizon, and two Xfinity. None of the first three could help me. I'm driving all around Boston under a deadline of an upcoming zoom meeting, trying to get my service restored. Feeling incredibly frustrated, annoyed, full of fear and fear of failure - and helplessness! We are so dependent on cell phones.

I can feel it rising in me, as it often does, the need for comfort food. I NEED to eat something to make me feel better. I call this addiction, because it has been a pattern and habit throughout my entire life, although it took me decades to realize it. This is not a simple craving, but an entire nervous system response. And it can be triggered by any picture, thought, smell, or taste of food or drink at any time. That's how deep the childhood experience permeated. I need ICE CREAM!

The mantra that has worked for me most recently is "yes: I recognize the tension in my body. I recognize (not the desire) but the NEED to eat. I tell myself, I don't HAVE to have this now.” As I think that, I can feel my body softening, and the need lessening.

Then I use a practice common in helping people through panic attacks. I focus on the environment around me, looking for different sensory input.

Oh, there is a beautiful orange tree. Breathe, relax. Look at the deep blue water in the river. Breathe, relax, feel the seat in my car supporting me. Breathe into my back. Gradually let go of the grip of fear and anxiety. This way I get through the next round of traffic. Miraculously, I make it home in time for my zoom meeting.

Can you see how this might work for perfectionism?

Learn to identify the feeling in your body when you start to head in that direction. Is it a tightness in your chest, your breathing, your shoulders? It's more than a thought – it's a whole mental/emotional/physiological response i.e., somatic.

In the beginning you might not notice it 'til you're in the middle of it, but as you gain more distinctions, you will start to notice when it first crops up. Like the canary in the coal mine, your body will give you a signal that danger is ahead. Then you get to make a choice!

If you can, permit yourself to stop being ruled by your brain's survival mode, and look outside yourself for sensory input. What do you smell, what's touching your skin, what do you see - what colors, textures, and shapes? What do you feel? What sounds can you hear? Any two or three of those things will help your nervous system calm down out of panic. And you can begin to ask yourself: “Do I NEED to have this be perfect? What happens if I don't? What's the worst thing that could happen?” And – here's a really useful one, from Byron Katie, "who would I be without this thought?" How would it feel? As you get used to identifying your somatic responses, you’ll notice all these things sooner and the grip of perfectionism will lessen.

I believe what these two states have in common - perfectionism and addiction – is the hijacking of our nervous system by the primitive brain with a fear/stress response, making us feel like we <absolutely> have to have perfection (or whatever we are addicted to) in order to survive. The brain literally thinks we might die.

So we can use similar techniques to help us change our response to that fear. We cannot think rationally while in a fear state. But we can have sensory experiences that will help us return to a state of balance, or homeostasis.

Let me know what you think about all of us!

I'll be doing a workshop on performance anxiety soon, and I'd love to get your input on what's important to you!

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Master Teacher Dr. Lea Pearson is a professional flutist, licensed Body Mapping Educator, and company Founder of Music Minus Pain. She has trained international music students, performers, and teachers in innovative techniques for over 30 years. Dr. Pearson's influence is legendary. One of the first Body Mapping Educators in the world, she authored the acclaimed book, Body Mapping for Flutists: What Every Flute Teacher Needs to Know About the Body.

Dr. Pearson applies her expertise to solving the music industry’s hidden secret: the pain and anxiety caused by traditional methods of instruction.

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